No Love Lost

When I shed this body

And sensation fades

I’ll still carry your love

And send it back to you in waves


My heart will not beat

but its echo will resound 

Not an audible thump 

But in memories found


A song randomly thought of

A game nostalgically played

a meal from an evening 

That has started to fade


Laughter in the wind

as you wander through the trees

The soft rhythmic hum

Of a swarm of honey bees


In the grey clouds of a storm

And the thunder that rolls in

If you close your eyes

You can feel me again


I may not be solid

but my love will not be buried 

It will be there to hold you

When you ache to be carried 


You don’t need to see me

to feel me, it’s true

Just know when you feel me

I’ll feel you too

I promise, this is not me writing my eulogy. This poem was born in a moment of clarity and understanding. It was the result of integration that came on the heels of an internal shift. The contents of that shift are something that I’m still finding the words to express. So, until I find them, this is my offering of love.

Love is never lost. Love is the heartbeat of existence. Life doesn’t end when the body decays. At least, that’s my belief. Love lives on. It doesn’t require monuments or statues to be seen or felt; just a pause, just a breath, just a moment savored.

I was talking with spawn number two the other day, about how our circle is small. My parents are both nonphysical, and the rest of my family doesn’t really family. They asked if I missed having family, if I missed having people to go to when I needed someone. Or having people who knew stories about me that no one else knew.

Instead of answering right away, I paused. I thought about the last time my dad’s favorite song came on the radio and made me smile. I saw images in my mind of large family meals that echoed with laughter. I remembered my mom's face while she danced to Wilson Phillips as we drove to my grandmother’s house. It made me realize that love, no matter when it was shared, never gets lost; it gets forgotten behind the pain we carry.

So, I told spawn number two, “No, I don’t miss them. In this moment, the love we shared is still here. The rest… isn’t.”

The life I am living now is the life I’m living now. Being present doesn’t mean I have to constantly grieve the past. My life hasn’t been all trauma and pain, there have been wonderfully beautiful moments of love that I still carry and now share with my children.

Idk, I guess I just decided to stop grieving what I didn’t have, and start appreciating the wonderful love that I do. Because if I’m going to choose how I feel, then I have to choose what I carry.

Love you friend,

~Bea